It really felt like once we got over the hump of the early stages of learning parenthood, life with a child would be simply blissful. Of course there were days with their challenges and moments of exhaustion, but overall, it felt like things were on an upswing and only getting easier and easier with time. I’ve never been more severely mistaken about anything in my entire life. From where I sit – and let’s be honest, I rarely actually ‘sit’ – to call this stage the Terrible Twos is a GROSS understatement. And Griffin isn’t even two yet. God help me.
It wasn’t when he started walking or getting into mischief around the house, or saying ‘no’ or throwing food or battling sleep (oh wait, he’s always done that) or hitting or biting or shouting that things started to feel tough. It wasn’t when the constant whining kicked in or daily tantrums. It was at some unidentifiable moment or series of moments that he started to challenge and battle EVERYTHING EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. When each lesson became a game and my frustrations became humorous, naps became optional and meals became, well, hopeless, outings to anywhere but the park became total embarrassments, and vacations became more exhausting and emotionally taxing than work. When he started saying ‘I DON’T LIKE IT’ about everything; that’s about the time when I started to want to throw up my hands and just give in – give up.
I’ve talked about ‘pre-baby Ashley’ before, and all of my former self’s ideals about childrearing. If you would have described this to her, she would say ‘that child’s parents seriously need to get in control and reign him in!’ A lot of people who haven’t experienced this type of a child personality would likely think the same thing, and suggest that Nanny 911 might be in order. Parents who have been there will understand how unrealistic those judgments are.
We’re not authoritarian style parents, and we don’t practice spanking. We rely on ‘Love and Logic’ and ‘Emotion Coaching’ styles, and empathy, which fit best with our personalities and philosophies on parenting. Since Griffin is nearing age two, we believe time outs are on the near horizon as well, as he can begin understanding consequences. While I sit here writing this, I have NO CLUE as to how to make this easier or how to get better control over the situation. However, I believe wholly that even if I started spanking him, and yelling at him, we’d have the same result. Maybe just with a little more fear of his parents. But believe me, even though most of my writing on this blog makes me out to be a flower power tree hugger, we are firm and know how to set healthy boundaries.
Here’s an example. As part of the potty training effort ongoing at our home, we offer Griffin an opportunity to sit on his potty every night after bath and before jammies. One particular night he was making a big game out of the potty getting on and off, walking around naked as he loves to do (he says ‘I’m just gonna walk around naked’), and dragging the potty in and out of the bathroom and all around. I approached this with patience and allowed him to spend some time goofing around since using the potty is a complicated thing to learn for most children, and I don’t want to turn him off from it. But as we neared 10 minutes of this game, I finally said, ‘Griffin, if you get off the potty one more time, we’re going to be all done.’ When he jumped up about 10 seconds later, I wrapped him up in his towel and picked him up, nicely saying ‘ok, we must be all done with the potty.’ He reacted by flailing his entire body all around screaming ‘I want to go potty, I have to go potty, let me go potty mom!’ I held my ground and let him know that I was sorry he didn’t get to go potty, but he had his opportunity and he could try again in the morning. The tantrum didn’t stop, and after about a half a minute, he peed all over me. Oh yes, he full-on let it loose on me. Of course my reaction was a mixture of anger that he was using that as a way to win the battle, and guilt that I made him do that instead of just giving him one more chance to go in the potty. Now tell me, aside from using authoritarian styles, which I’m just not going to do, how else could that have been handled!?
The above incident is by no means isolated. We have regular similar episodes involving the potty, though that was the only one that involved me getting peed on (toys, the bed, the floor and the dog have been other victims). And the list could go on and on and on with other examples in every area of our lives. I still think Griffin is the cutest thing in the universe, and I still adore every day that I get to watch him play and learn and develop his personality. I have to admit that I am sad sometimes that our difficulty in handling this stage takes away from fully enjoying this part of his childhood/disappearing babyhood. I guess that’s the great dilemma though, everything about being a parent has a bittersweet aspect. We do take comfort in knowing that someday Griffin’s strength of personality will be a source of pride for Greg and me and a source of success and conviction for him. That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m not praying every day that our next child is a little easier, a little less stubborn and a little milder of temper. In closing, I think the best way to sum up how I feel about the terrible twos is to use Griffin’s favorite words: ‘I DON’T LIKE IT!’
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